Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
