too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
