You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
