Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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