If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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