I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How does it feel to date your dad?
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