too bad you live with your parents still
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
