Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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