Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
