i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
