im six kinds of drunk right now
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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