true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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