Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
