I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
