i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
