my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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