This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
