i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
