I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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