In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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