Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
