Non-Jews are for practice
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
