I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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