I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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