It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Vodka?
Forever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
