remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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