If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
