I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
