i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
