Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
