I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
