I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
