My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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