I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
