this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
