im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
