i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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