6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
MIDGETS
????
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
