Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
