I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
