I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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