Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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