matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
