Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
