I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
