guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
