just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
