I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
