What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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