if i can run in heels then i can drive
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
