well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
