I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
