If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
